GUIDE

I am excited to share some parenting practices with you on my blog. I will be using The National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM) which was designed by a team of parenting educators assembled by the U.S. Cooperative ExtensionService. The purpose of the model is to unite the parenting education initiative and offer a model that parent educators can utilize to structure their programs (Jrank Articles, n.d.).

With NEPEM as the foundation for my next three posts, I will focus on guiding and nurturing our children and taking care of ourselves in the process.

GUIDE

The NEPEM model describes guiding as influencing behavior boundaries and setting limits but also allowing for the child to make as many of their own decisions as possible (Jrank Articles, n.d.).

There are two books that I will be referencing for this topic.

Chapter 10 Lessons to guide your parenting: 7 Principles

The beginning of wisdom is listening.

Do not deny your child's perceptions.

Instead of criticism, use guidance. State the problem and possible solution.

When angry, describe what your see what you feel, and what you expect, starting with the pronoun "I."

                                              Praising.

                                              Learn to say "no."

                                             Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their                                                     lives.

                Chaper 8: Avoid Harsh Discipline: 4 Focus Areas

                Never use physical punishment.

                Don't be verbally abusive.

                Controlling your anger.

                The right way to punish.

What do you think of when you hear the word guide? Does the picture above accurately represent your perception of guiding your child? I am guessing that this picture is NOT what guiding looks like to you.

"Children learn what they experience. They are like wet cement. Any word that falls on them makes an impact. It’s therefore important that parents learn to talk to children in a way that is not enraging, doesn’t inflict hurt, doesn’t diminish their children’s self-confidence, or cause them to lose faith in their competence and self-worth" (Ginot et al, pg 192). Guiding children builds them up and does not tear them down. Guiding requires teaching and not just correcting a child. When we take the time to teach the child we are better preparing them for a future of self-regulation. 

Ginot et al (2004) warns against using words like make, force, get, convince, and impose. Nagging, pushing, and coercion attempts bring resentment and resistance to cooperate. Instead of putting pressures and impositions on the child allow them to influence the situation and help solve the problem. When children are brought into the process of creating solutions it builds them up for a future of active problem-solving.

Hopefully, you are getting the idea that your child is a partner in the process of guiding and the more we can get them to self-regulate the less we will have to interfere. NPEM referred to boundaries and setting limits. Sometimes as parents, it can be uncomfortable, time-consuming, and difficult to set and maintain boundaries with our children. We learned earlier how important our influence is on our children and if we are lackadaisical with our boundaries and limits or harsh when they are violated we are doing the opposite of guiding our children.

First, we will discuss the outcomes of being harsh. Steinberg (2005), addresses 2 harsh behaviors physical punishment and verbal abuse. Physical punishment wears the warning of never use. Physical abuse may give you short-term results but is not building a self-regulated child that learns from their mistakes. We can all circle back to the impact that parents' example has on children, what does physical abuse teach our children about anger? Verbal abuse is also a poor example of how to deal with our anger and does not provide a good base for a child's future. "When you are disciplining your child for misbehavior, there is no need for name, calling ("You're such a baby"), sarcasm ("That was a really bright idea"), humiliation ("I can't believe I've raised such a rotten child"), or accusation ("You're always making my life miserable"). It's not necessary to berate your child, shout at her, or drive her to tears over what she did for her to get your point. She will get the point just as well, if not better, if you remain calm and composed" (Steinberg, pg 151).

What is your goal as a parent? Will physically or verbally abusing your child get you there?

Our children are going to be adults and hopefully, they are going to be kind people who can self-motivate and self-regulate. In order to achieve this guiding is a necessary aspect of parenting. Not just focusing on correcting but also redirecting. Steinberg (pg 156), addresses the right way to punish with these elements:

• "An identification of the specific act that was wrong.

• A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior.

• A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior.

• A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be.

• A statement of your expectation that your child will do

better the next time "

Can you identify the guiding principles within these five elements? Guide the child to identify the behavior, understand the impact, problem-solve alternate behaviors, work together to decipher a proper punishment, and discuss how to move forward. Your child should be a huge part of this process.

What is self-regulation? 

People who can self-regulate manage their behaviors and reactions to what is happening around them. This term has a lot to do with emotions and controlling our emotions about what is happening to us, around us, and because of us. If we are flying off in fits of anger or our reactions to behaviors don't match the behavior our children will also not be prepared to regulate their emotional responses. 

Guiding our children takes more time and effort but the results far outweigh the effort. 

References

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. Random House.

Parenting Education - the national model of parenting education. The National Model Of Parenting Education - Development, Child, and Effective - JRank Articles. (n.d.). https://family.jrank.org/pages/1247/Parenting-Education-National-Model-Parenting-Education.html

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.