Self-Care

 I am excited to share some parenting practices with you on my blog. I will be using The National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM) which was designed by a team of parenting educators assembled by the U.S. Cooperative Extension Service. The purpose of the model is to unite the parenting education initiative and offer a model that parent educators can utilize to structure their programs (Jrank Articles, n.d.).

With NEPEM as the foundation for my next three posts, I will focus on guiding and nurturing our children and taking care of ourselves in the process.

Self-Care

We have heard the adage many times, you can't help others until you have helped yourself. There is the airplane analogy, put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others and many other examples of why we must first begin with taking care of ourselves before we attempt to take care of others, this includes our children. In a conference address titled The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance, Romney (1982) relates self-reliance and caring for ourselves to having the freedom to serve others. This service includes service to our children and families. Romney states that service is the pathway to the truest kind of happiness. 

Taking care of ourselves and our needs for sleeping, eating, and emotional well being makes us better parents. The Arbringer Group (1998) is the creator of The Parenting Pyramid. 

The pyramid provides levels to getting to a point to be able to correct your child and the correction is well received. The foundation of this pyramid is personal way of being. Before positive receptive correction of your child begins you must first be personally well. Some of the questions we should ask ourselves.

1. What are my attitudes towards others?

2. How do we see others?

3. What is our overall experience with the world?

4. Am I self-forgetful?

5. Am I self-preoccupied?

"If I am merely going through the motions in trying to build a relationship with my children, I won't succeed" (Arbringer Group, pg 6). The quote goes on to reveal that teaching and correcting also take great effort. Children are aware when we are just going through the motions and if we are giving our full attention and our whole heart. 

How can we recharge and take care of ourselves and avoid burnout that leads to reacting in a negative way to our children? Casares (2020) published an article on Healthy Children.org that explains quality ways for parents to recharge. The most important point the author makes is that our time-outs have to be planned and intentional. They also need to begin as soon as the child is born, your connection with your child begins at birth and you want that connection to be positive. As stated above in order for that to happen first you have to make planned and intentional time for yourself. 

The first point the article makes is that unlike you are led to believe new mothers can not have it all and you don't need it all. It's okay for your appearance to not be completely put together, the most important aspect of self-care is emotional wellness. When your child is crying and you can't get them to stop it won't matter how good you look, but it will matter how good you feel. To feel good you need to focus on things that you need not the things other people think you need (Casares, 2020). 

Psychology Today also has a great article on the importance of parents making self-care a priority. Schwartz (para 1) covers three key points, "Self-care can help replenish a parent's energy, focus, and positivity. Children are unaware of the need for balance, so parents must set boundaries themselves.

People often view boundary setting as selfish, but it can help parents have more energy for themselves and their children."

Schwartz (2021) identifies that being a parent is a full-time job and children are not aware of our needs for self-care and establish that we are there to meet all of their needs. It is our responsibility to find our own balance and teach our children that mom/dad also have needs. Limits on your time tell them that you are not at the beck and call, sometimes they need to care for themselves, and that you are important too. Eventually, your kids may realize that when you take time for yourself and recharge your batteries you are more pleasant to be around and better prepared to meet their needs. 

Nurturing

 I am excited to share some parenting practices with you on my blog. I will be using The National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM) which was designed by a team of parenting educators assembled by the U.S. Cooperative ExtensionService. The purpose of the model is to unite the parenting education initiative and offer a model that parent educators can utilize to structure their programs (Jrank Articles, n.d.).

With NEPEM as the foundation for my next three posts, I will focus on guiding and nurturing our children and taking care of ourselves in the process.

Nurturing

To nurture a child refers to expressing affection, supplying basic childcare, communication, and providing a cultural belief system (Jrank Articles, n.d.). 

It's no surprise that parenting requires nurturing and it is even a natural God-given trait to nurture, so nurturing should be simple, right? Because of the stresses of life nurturing and taking time to meet the needs of our children become more difficult. Nurture takes time and because of the busy world we live in giving time takes intention. 

One intentional way we can nurture our children is called Emotional Coaching. Throughout this post, I will be looking at Dr. John Gottman & Dr. Julie Gottman's Discuss and ideas on the "Tools for Parenting with Emotion Coaching". The basic principle that Gottman (2012) talks about in his Youtube video is how the way parents listen and speak to their children helps with their emotional development. He describes three tools and steps to help build emotional health in children.

1. Listen: Really try to listen and understand the child in a way that results in you interpreting their feelings and helping them put them into words.

2. Validate: Let your child know that those feelings are okay and they have the right to feel them.

3. Dignity: Always treat the child with dignity.

These tools and steps are especially important during the preschool stages. It is very helpful for a child to have age-appropriate emotional development when entering public school with peers and teachers. Gottman (2012) reveals that these practices are also beneficial to the teacher-child relationship and can build trust between the student and instructor. 

In another Youtube video on the Gottman Institute Youtube channel Gottman (2009), talks about the emotional influence of the child's parent on the child When parents do not have a good emotional connection at a very young age the child internalizes the connection and is emotionally affected. The child may become withdrawn emotionally which carries over into their cognitive and intellectual development. 

The biggest contributing factor to withdrawing emotionally is the idea that others will not respond in the time frame or way the child needs them to. Children also feel less safe and secure about exploring the world around them which is paramount for good emotional health.

In this Youtube video Gottman (2009) gives parents 5 steps to a positive emotional connection.

1. Noticing emotions and taking the opportunity to connect with the child. Especially at a young age children will freely show emotion, how you respond to that emotion sets the stage for future emotional health.

2. Validating emotions and being compassionate and understanding. A child looks to their parent for understanding and attention, when you don't take those moments to teach and listen the child will stop seeking you out.

3. Helping child to label their emotions and put words to how they are feeling.  At an early age, children are learning all sorts of things like walking, feeding themselves, talking, etc. It makes sense that understanding feelings would be a part of the child's development.

4. Helping children to understand what they are feeling. Feelings are another new concept that children are learning. We can't expect them to be born knowing what feelings are and appropriate ways to express them, it is a learned behavior.

5. Setting limits, includes addressing misbehaviors that may have occurred. An important aspect of good authoritative parenting is setting boundaries and limits. Emotional coaching is an authoritative style of parenting that includes limits, boundaries, and addressing behavior.

A very basic principle of emotional coaching is that children learn how to connect to and with others from their connection to their parents. Parents are the first people that children connect with and that connection sets the stage for all future connections. An early patient-loving connection with an infant is the beginning of what will be years of emotionally coaching your child (Gottmon, 2009)

References

Parenting Education - the national model of parenting education. The National Model Of Parenting Education - Development, Child, and Effective - JRank Articles. (n.d.). https://family.jrank.org/pages/1247/Parenting-Education-National-Model-Parenting-Education.html

YouTube. (2009, November 13). Emotional health | dr. John Gottman | relationship advice. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmsDTT3xgjo&t=1s

YouTube. (2012, April 18). Dr. John Gottman & dr. Julie Gottman discuss tools for parenting with emotion coaching. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3uPPEtyX_I&t=7s

GUIDE

I am excited to share some parenting practices with you on my blog. I will be using The National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM) which was designed by a team of parenting educators assembled by the U.S. Cooperative ExtensionService. The purpose of the model is to unite the parenting education initiative and offer a model that parent educators can utilize to structure their programs (Jrank Articles, n.d.).

With NEPEM as the foundation for my next three posts, I will focus on guiding and nurturing our children and taking care of ourselves in the process.

GUIDE

The NEPEM model describes guiding as influencing behavior boundaries and setting limits but also allowing for the child to make as many of their own decisions as possible (Jrank Articles, n.d.).

There are two books that I will be referencing for this topic.

Chapter 10 Lessons to guide your parenting: 7 Principles

The beginning of wisdom is listening.

Do not deny your child's perceptions.

Instead of criticism, use guidance. State the problem and possible solution.

When angry, describe what your see what you feel, and what you expect, starting with the pronoun "I."

                                              Praising.

                                              Learn to say "no."

                                             Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their                                                     lives.

                Chaper 8: Avoid Harsh Discipline: 4 Focus Areas

                Never use physical punishment.

                Don't be verbally abusive.

                Controlling your anger.

                The right way to punish.

What do you think of when you hear the word guide? Does the picture above accurately represent your perception of guiding your child? I am guessing that this picture is NOT what guiding looks like to you.

"Children learn what they experience. They are like wet cement. Any word that falls on them makes an impact. It’s therefore important that parents learn to talk to children in a way that is not enraging, doesn’t inflict hurt, doesn’t diminish their children’s self-confidence, or cause them to lose faith in their competence and self-worth" (Ginot et al, pg 192). Guiding children builds them up and does not tear them down. Guiding requires teaching and not just correcting a child. When we take the time to teach the child we are better preparing them for a future of self-regulation. 

Ginot et al (2004) warns against using words like make, force, get, convince, and impose. Nagging, pushing, and coercion attempts bring resentment and resistance to cooperate. Instead of putting pressures and impositions on the child allow them to influence the situation and help solve the problem. When children are brought into the process of creating solutions it builds them up for a future of active problem-solving.

Hopefully, you are getting the idea that your child is a partner in the process of guiding and the more we can get them to self-regulate the less we will have to interfere. NPEM referred to boundaries and setting limits. Sometimes as parents, it can be uncomfortable, time-consuming, and difficult to set and maintain boundaries with our children. We learned earlier how important our influence is on our children and if we are lackadaisical with our boundaries and limits or harsh when they are violated we are doing the opposite of guiding our children.

First, we will discuss the outcomes of being harsh. Steinberg (2005), addresses 2 harsh behaviors physical punishment and verbal abuse. Physical punishment wears the warning of never use. Physical abuse may give you short-term results but is not building a self-regulated child that learns from their mistakes. We can all circle back to the impact that parents' example has on children, what does physical abuse teach our children about anger? Verbal abuse is also a poor example of how to deal with our anger and does not provide a good base for a child's future. "When you are disciplining your child for misbehavior, there is no need for name, calling ("You're such a baby"), sarcasm ("That was a really bright idea"), humiliation ("I can't believe I've raised such a rotten child"), or accusation ("You're always making my life miserable"). It's not necessary to berate your child, shout at her, or drive her to tears over what she did for her to get your point. She will get the point just as well, if not better, if you remain calm and composed" (Steinberg, pg 151).

What is your goal as a parent? Will physically or verbally abusing your child get you there?

Our children are going to be adults and hopefully, they are going to be kind people who can self-motivate and self-regulate. In order to achieve this guiding is a necessary aspect of parenting. Not just focusing on correcting but also redirecting. Steinberg (pg 156), addresses the right way to punish with these elements:

• "An identification of the specific act that was wrong.

• A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior.

• A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior.

• A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be.

• A statement of your expectation that your child will do

better the next time "

Can you identify the guiding principles within these five elements? Guide the child to identify the behavior, understand the impact, problem-solve alternate behaviors, work together to decipher a proper punishment, and discuss how to move forward. Your child should be a huge part of this process.

What is self-regulation? 

People who can self-regulate manage their behaviors and reactions to what is happening around them. This term has a lot to do with emotions and controlling our emotions about what is happening to us, around us, and because of us. If we are flying off in fits of anger or our reactions to behaviors don't match the behavior our children will also not be prepared to regulate their emotional responses. 

Guiding our children takes more time and effort but the results far outweigh the effort. 

References

Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A., & Goddard, H. W. (2004). Between parent and child. Random House.

Parenting Education - the national model of parenting education. The National Model Of Parenting Education - Development, Child, and Effective - JRank Articles. (n.d.). https://family.jrank.org/pages/1247/Parenting-Education-National-Model-Parenting-Education.html

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.